Hooligans at War: North vs South full movie review - I recommend everyone watch this, just to make you appreciate every other film you hate
After watching this irksome low-budget production, I scanned over the reviews already on here, bad and good.
The positive ones name drop the directors and one or two other performers, but mainly someone who happens to be director, writer and performer. Really? In this case it might be better not drawing attention to individuals. I hardly think that potential future investors in projects involving any of these people will be motivated to open their wallets by these positive so-called reviews given all the positives appear at the bottom of the page and the negatives appear at the top. It would surely be easier for people to fiddle the anonymous ratings or 'thumb-down' the real reviews rather than making things up and praying for the best outcome? Most intelligent people can spot a fake or dubious review a mile off anyway I would imagine, given that I know I can.
This is cheap, in almost every way. From the amateurishly recorded cockney voice-over (used in every single gangster film these days but for a different reason here) to the fact that the outdoor army scenes were filmed in the park next to where the pub scenes were filmed - clearly. Some money must have been spent on it somewhere along the way but it appears there are a lot of people in this who probably worked for free. The main characters are really low-quality actors who are unlikely to ever see the light at the end of the tunnel in the world of cinema if they carry on involving themselves in productions as horrid as this. The story itself has already been covered on this page so I won't go into it, but the appaulingness of it all has to be seen to be believed, but hopefully not by anyone I love. I for one can not believe how some men and women have so much free time on their hands they are able to waste it chucking together this mound of everything that could possibly be bad in cinema. Bad directors. Bad actors - even the Best Boy needs a quiet word had. As mentioned, one of the directors wrote this and plays the main character so says it all, really.
This isn't supposed to be a comedy, but there were some laugh-out-loud moments in it which I appreciated, however unintentional they must have been. The segment halfway through where a bunch of fat men jump out of a car to perform an act of armed robbery on a wagon driver was 100% utter hilarity. Because the vast majority of the performers and extras (try differentiating between the two, its tough) are so laughably overweight and unfit, they actually sped up the footage to make it look like they were exiting the vehicle faster than they were able so for a few seconds it looked like something out of The Benny Hill Show. All that was needed was Yakety Sax on the soundtrack and this could have been a real comedy. It didn't stop there. Two thirds of the way through, there is a scene where some overweight, puffed out, tight clothed, absolutely unbelievable combat troops are surveying an abandoned building - somewhere in Eastern Europe. Problem is, the film is so disrespectful to it's audience they didn't even bother to get rid of the 'R' reg British registration plates from the Iveco truck prop they had borrowed from the breakers. Disgraceful. Really, really bad.
I must add as well that although I love combat films, having recently had the privilege of seeing the much unknown Hyena Road (a real film which cost more than a fiver) I resent someone trying to convince me that a squad of British soldiers would all (and I mean ALL) be at least 4 stone overweight. How would they cope in a real combat situation? Fat people like this would not pass basic training in the United Kingdom armed forces and the attempt to convince anyone otherwise is farcical and unrealistic. Its no wonder our forces are regarded by some other countries as a joke. I hope no-one out there has the bad luck to watch this and think this is what its really like. God Almighty.
The film ventures too far into the realms of fantasy and I can tell you from experience that a 20 stone overweight trooper walking around in this day and age in any part of the world refusing to wear a chin strap, refusing to carry his rifle and simultaneously trying to anger and wind up his mates in a seriously dangerous combat situation would not happen in a million years. He would have been filtered out early on after filling out his application form with his sausage fingers and would probably be in military prison or sucking his lard through a straw after almost being beaten to death by a bunch of squad-mates using bars of soap inside socks. Its all just so unrealistic.
Never mind the hooligan part of the film. Because they only employed fat men of indeterminate vintage, just about all of the characters blend into one and it's generally impossible to tell one from the other, which I would imagine is the reason for the joke voice-over to try to remind viewers who is who. All except that is the main performer whose character is called 'Chris'. He has at least an allover short back and sides, not a cropped hairstyle and so stands out - but not in a good way. My suggestion would be to remain in the fatigues and hide in some long reeds.
I would suggest a good way to get these intended future Oscar winners to stand out and be different from the other people in the film would be to have some acting ability. Either that or go back to working in Halfords. It would be a far less painful and more enjoyable experience for anyone interested in cinema.