Jupiter Ascending full movie review - More like Boredom Ascending
I hate blockbusters. I hate everything about them. How one-note they are. How much they lack story. And how the characters have no personality.
Aside from Christopher Nolan's films which are great and have an interesting story, Blockbusters don't appeal to me. Their lack of personality and reliance on effects is irritating. They're always style over substance, when it should be the opposite. Films like Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Godzilla, World War Z, Divergent. They're all so boring!!! I'm sorry but this is why I retreat to Frank Darabont, Sam Mendes and Paul Thomas Anderson. It's because these directors have personality and made movies to not only entertain but to also think with the mind. I prefer plot, story and character-driven films over 2 & 1/2 hours of CGI rubbish.
Then my family and I went to see this movie. It was no exception.
What's the story?
Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) was born on the night skies with great dreams, but she resorts to cleaning toilets for living (How much until she cleans the Wachowski's toilet?). One day, a bunch of aliens try to kill her but she is saved by Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). She has been told that she is the chosen one or some rubbish to rule the galaxy and protect then from the forces of evil and that she has the exact same genes from some boring family from a distant galaxy. However she's at war with three boring chara...I mean, Three children after the martiach dies. One (some actor I don't know or care) killed his mother and wants to...you guessed it. Take over the galaxy. Another is a fashion model who acts like she's ruler of the kingdom who changes her face and body in a pool on her birthday or 10 years (What?). And the final one, who looks like a male version of Kate Winslet, wants to marry Meg..I mean, Jupiter so he can execute her after marrying. And he does this because...The plot said so. But who will take the throne? Are Jupiter's Family worried about their daughter's absence? Will Jupiter get married? Will Jenko and Meg fall in love? Will Hollywood stop pretending to think that their messy story lines are complex and Heat-esque?
I don't know, because I don't care about this movie!
Allow me to explain the problems.
1. The plot. It's all over the place. There's a difference between a complex plot and a messy plot. Jupiter Ascending has a plot that is so unessecarily messy and big that it's actually unhealthy and obese. The story is all over the place. One minute, it's a comedy. The other, it's a serious Game of Thrones-like kingdom drama. Another minute, It becomes Modern Family. It's everywhere! The plot has no focus whatsoever. It feels like someone grabbed some deleted scenes of his favorite TV shows and put them together on his laptop. Even Memento, though the non-linear narrative is confusing, it still had a simple storyline. Even Inception had focus, despite it's big scale. But those two were great movies. Jupiter was not.
2. The characters. They're boring. As in Hollywood standards. Rather than develop the characters (Because that would be much too interesting), Hollywood is more focused on exposition and boring action sequences. There is little personality here. The reason I love the films of Sam Mendes and Frank Darabont are because he found a way to make characters interesting. You care about them. You love them. You want these people to have a happy ending, In Hollywoodland today, no-one gives a hoot about these characters. They're just boring people roaming around explosions and impractical set pieces.
3. It wastes a cast. Some of these people worked on much better projects and deserve better. All that talent is wasted, especially Channing Tatum, who did a REALLY funny performance in the Jump Street films and Mila Kunis, who resorts to only having one expression throughout the movie. Even Sean Bean is wasted. They give out the worst performances I have ever seen. Plain boring performances that Hollywood always keeps using. They're monotonous. If the characters and actors don't give a hoot, why should we?
4. The overlong action sequences. They suck. they're always full of shaky-cam, lens flares, quick cutting, explosions and slow-motion. These sequences take up the majority of the movie. This also happens in regular Hollywood movies too. Were you expecting those action sequences to be likethe Dark Knight? Well, sorry to say but those expectations died the moment you started seeing the movie.
Overall, a terrible movie, just like any Hollywood blockbuster today. The plot is paper-thin, the characters are cardboard cut-outs, the action sequences are not interesting and the performances are awful. It has the redeemable quality of a school play.
Before I go, I just want to give out a message to Hollywood:
Guys at Hollywood, you're lucky you still make films. As a dedicated movie lover, I say either man up and make great films from quality directors again or give up and collapse. I want the personal, raw talented films about characters again. I don't want to see 2 hours of pointless explosions and unknown actors. Sure, it's fun. But if this is what you want to do all the time and possibly abolish auteur films forever, I'm going throw a funeral for the death of cinema. If movies are considered nothing more than mindless entertainment filled with plot holes and boring action sequences, then I have lost faith in you guys.
Please make great films again. Nolan is one of the only great directors working today, but that's not enough. We need great movies from talented directors with unique ideas that deserve to be recognized. I want to see those movies again, the way that Hitchcock and many auteurs did long ago.
Get well soon, MovieBoy016