The Visit full movie review - Do you have enough brain cells to afford yourself the luxury of watching another M Night Charlatan flick?
A pair of old people escape a lunatic asylum, kill a couple living in a house and impersonate these people (badly) in order to meet their 290-IQ grandkids. Sounds stupid? Beyond; in fact, it defies common sense every step of the way.
M Night Charlatan does it again, comes up with yet another dumb plot-twist which is ? despite its utter lack of logic - foreseeable from fairly early on. Who the hell sends their underage kids to travel all across America ? alone ? to meet people she hasn't seen in decades? How is it that she shows so little interest in her parents when her kids skype her? I could go on an on. In M Night Charlatan's world logic is a rare commodity and a personal enemy of the infamous dilettante. He nearly always treats his viewers like mongrels, so if you're feeling particularly mongrelic you can watch this movie without fear of losing (many) brain cells.
What can you say about directors who actually write smart-Alecy, adult dialogue for kids? They're the worst kind, the pits: it's a huge red flag, an indication whether a director is a hack or a master, a down-to-Earth thinker or a pompous charlatan. No great director gave Einsteinic dialog to children ? ever; only amateurs and buffoons do. These kinds of fictional children that are intellectually far superior to all adults is neither cute nor funny even in a mindless cartoon, let alone a horror movie. The really depressing part is that you know nothing can do those annoying kids harm because they're the ones filming this dumb mess. If anyone ever wanted to advocate violence against children, all he needs to do is portray them the way Mr Charlatan does.
You might want to completely skip the first 20 minutes ? unless you need to find reasons to hate the kids enough to want them to be not just destroyed but even crushed into tiny bits by the deranged pensioners. M Night Charlatan is such a self-important nerd, he had to give the kids IQs of around 600, and all the verbal dexterity of an Oxford English Lit top-of-the-class graduate high on uppers. Yes, the kids are beyond despicable and far too un-kidsy to have an iota of credibility as credible representatives of the kiddy race. Worse yet, Mr Charlatan sucks up to the current crop of brainwashed, de-cultured young buffoons by making the boy an aspiring rapper - as if any mega-intelligent young boy would have any use for the infantile world of rap. Once a charlatan, always a charlatan; it's not as if we're not used to M Night Charlatan's movies being so very full of the brown stuff. He even allows this supremely irritating attention-seeking brat (played by a truly detestable infant) to rap on several occasions. Needless to say, the remote control is your best friend should you decide to stick it out with this tedious crap, and the fast-forward and skip buttons your greatest allies. Unless of course you find it cute whenever a kid raps, in which case you undoubtedly belong to the category of film-goers who consider drivel of this kind a cinematic classic. Rap goes hand-in-hand with tardation, you see.
Believe it or not, Mr Charlatan even thought that these ultra-wisecracking kids are capable of carrying the comedy in this wee idiotic flick. Even if these kid actors were talented comedians (and what 12 year-olds aren't, right?) what chance would they stand fighting against an abysmally unfunny charlatan script. The characterization is so vapid and far removed from any kind of cosmic reality that even after they repeatedly witness scary, eerie behaviour these kids crack really bad jokes instead of getting panicky. (The boy even makes jokes as he's KILLING the fake grandpa!) It's the kind of bad jokes you find engulfed by a delirious, hysterical laughing track in any awful corporate sitcom.
I tell ya, these kids are sci-fi characters; they're so far-removed from real children that they make Gollum seem like a chartered accountant by comparison. The kids actually manage to OVERPOWER the dynamic loony duo ? even killing them both in the process, in what must be the least convincing horror "grand" finale ever filmed. They're supposed to be incredibly smart, and yet it takes them an ENTIRE WEEK to realize that it's best to get the hell out of there. It's a mess alright.
You also gotta love Mr Charlatan's "ageism" (a politically-correct word that I detest, but which is wholly applicable here). For every bizarre thing the loony old couple do, the kids' mother gives the same rationalization: "old people are like that, they do strange and stupid things". One would think watching this idiotic flick that old people were the oddest and most unpredictable creatures on the planet. What planet did Mr Charlatan crawl out of when his spaceship was dumped on Earth? Perhaps on his home planet senior citizens are indeed the most exciting and weird demographic, but the little fella has been on our planet long enough to have learned that this is not the case in the Solar System.
For every movie, even the great ones, there are always a few loonies yelling how bad it is, how it's "the worst movie of all time". (You know the type: they watch one "worst movie of all time" every week.) In this case, however, every single one of those reviewers is right in their criticism. It may not be the worst of all time, but it's certainly one of the worst flicks of the decade. One woman expressed disgust and surprise that M Naught Charlatan still gets to make movies. She's right: Ed Wood only made 4 or 5 and then had to quit. Why should Mr Charlatan get preferential treatment? Is he better than Ed?